Who would have thought that I'd find myself in such a position at my age? It contradicts everything that I believed and thought about how my life would turn out. But, thank god, I am not alone.
When I was about 10 years old, my mom told me that I said I would never let this happen. Imagine, at such a young age, knowing this? What do you really know at 10 anyway? I mean, your brain isn't fully developed enough to know these things. This conclusion was made based on an undeveloped, growing frontal lobe that couldn't possible understand the implications of such a statement.
Looking back, I remember thinking a lot of wacky things. Like the day my mom and I were driving over the Patullo Bridge, with me wondering how the heck my mom could keep the car between the narrow lines, cars speeding past. Well, one thing is for sure, it is definitely a scary trip over that bridge, even now, but obviously my prepubescent mind couldn't wrap itself around the idea that most people drive quite safely over it. But, as I think about how my brain worked back then, I realize that statement was based on the fear that I couldn't do it. Well, at 10 probably not, but it points to a basic lack of confidence in my ability to face my fears. Funny because as a young girl I was quite the little daredevil and have my share of broken bones and scars to prove it. Oh I faced fears, fell off roofs and out of trees to prove I wasn't afraid, but the fears that really stood in my way couldn't be conquered at such a young age. And apparently, not until the ripe young-old age of 42 would I be faced with the biggest fear of my entire life.
But that's the point I'm trying to make here. My primitive, fear-based centre told me at such a tender age that I would 'never' be able to handle the responsibility or the sleepless nights, that my life was my own and I had no one to report to or to take care of. I realize now, that this selfish behavior has prepared me for this, that I would need to get tired of living for myself, that in fact, I needed to get to the place that I feel like something is missing. But surely, not this!? Why couldn't I just find another dog to adopt?
Ha ha, I say! Life doesn't always turn out the way you planned it but it always happens for a reason.
If you haven't figured out what the hell I am talking about yet, let me fill you in.
Sunday Feb 21st 2010 7.30 am.
Woke up knowing I needed to find out once and for all. Frustrated that Weight Watchers wasn't working for me this time.
I peed on a stick. Weighed myself, no change.
Looked back to see 2 pink lines practically doing the hokey-pokey.
Standing there, spinning, dumbfounded, deciding what to do. Checking to make sure it wasn't one of those magic trick sticks.
What to tell Eric?
Went into the bedroom, he was sleeping so peacefully. Knowing that it would be the last time for a while that would happen.
What to say? Laying down beside him, stick in hand, checking once more to be sure this wasn't some cruel joke.
"Eric, are you awake?"
"Uh huh..."
"I know why I haven't lost weight."
Showed him the stick. Started crying, bawling really. Waiting for him to say something.
Conversations about what to do, what to say, what to do? Lots of hugs and shushing.
God love him, Eric is such a gem.
Neither of us thought that we wanted this. Now, not so sure.
A visit to a clinic the next day, then to an ultrasound to check how far along. Feeling it now, knowing it's been longer than just a few weeks.
And then..
12 weeks 6 days! 150 bpm.
Too late to make a rash decision. Too risky for me at this point.
%#$k!
A battery of tests taken, worries about the health of the new life inside me. Did I eat healthily? What about all the celebrations over the holiday season? Will they affect the outcome? But, come to think of it, I didn't drink too much, I wasn't feeling up to it, now we all know why!
The stress around my job ending could explain away all the symptoms I was having the last few months. Tired, hungry, no weight loss, no period. No morning sickness, feeling full all the time but not eating too much to justify that feeling. Backed up, bloated. A few queasy moments, nothing that a hot bowl of soup couldn't deal with. And without a job to go to, I slept it all off, well not all of it, ha ha.
I actually felt better than when I was at work. But then again, my job ended Jan 21st, and this all started on or around that fateful day of Dec 1st, give or take a few days. Six weeks of hell at the end of my job, clouded any symptoms pointing to this. No wonder.
The more I thought about it, and the more I found out about the progress of the little life inside of me, the less willing I became to let it go. I surprise myself. Eric too.
Why is this happening now, why so late? Why in between jobs? Why, why why?
Reasons unknown right now, but knowing that my life was in need of a good shaking up, it's no surprise that the thing I said never to would come true. It's happened before. So many times I have caught myself saying I will never do this or that with that 'never' becomes a reality eventually. It's frustrating to be sure but now, I mean at this very moment, I realize that those 'nevers' are fears left unchecked. And if I have learned anything, it is that I am brave and will face my fears head on despite the suckiness that surrounds that.
Not sure who will get the last laugh on this one, I hope it's me. I hope those laughs are joy-filled, surprising and amazing.
Tomorrow is the start of the 15th week. Lots of docs appointments yet to come. Waiting on results. Much more to come.
And I am already showing! Is this baby going to be huge or am I just eating waaaay too much?
Ahhhhh!
Don't worry, it's all good. Whatever happens, it will be what it is.
Thank you for reading.
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